The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about? 

2. Do you love me? 

3. Do I look fat? 

4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, and intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball. 

b. Football. 

c. How fat you are. 

d. How much prettier she is than you. 

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

 

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. 

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 

c. That depends on what you mean by love. 

d. Does it matter? 

e. Who, me?

 

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what? 

b. I wouldn't say fat, but you're not exactly thin. 

c. A little extra weight looks good on you. 

d. I've seen fatter. 

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality 

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner 

c. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age 

d. Define pretty 

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a sports car and a boat and find a younger babe"). 

If you have seen the movie: The Cone Heads with Dan Akroyd, he provided the absolute best answer to his alien Cone Head wife.... see the movie. No matter how you answer this though, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again? 
MAN: Definitely not! 

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? 
MAN: Of course I do. 

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) 
MAN: (makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do 

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. 

WOMAN: - - - silence - - - 
MAN: oh shit