From - Harold Reynolds' Humor Collection

Bad Dog List...

Fill in the blanks

[xxx] is not a toy:

• The humans' shoes;
• the human's cats;
• the humans' pet cockatiel;
• newly planted iris bulbs;
• pillows and blankets from the bed;
• laundry (dirty OR clean);
• aquarium plants;
• stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers;
• pillows and blankets from the newly made bed;
• the hose that's filling the kiddie pool;
• human's underwear;
• Mommy and Daddy's ferrets;
• Mommy's "electronic husband";
• those jiggly things hanging off of Daddy and Mommy;
• toilet paper (especially a brand new double roll);
• plastic bags;
• paper products such as napkins and paper towels.

[xxx] is not food:

• After-sex Kleenex,
• aluminum foil;
• the baby's used diaper;
• a brand new baseball glove (entire webbing consumed);
• the Bible;
• cat litter box contents;
• Dad's coffee on the coffee table;
• Daddy's new jungle boots;
• deflated balloons;
• inflated balloons;
• dirty Kleenex;
• Grandpa's cat;
• Mom's bras;
• other dogs' frozen feces
• spiders; staples;
• underwear in the clothes hamper;
• used condoms;

I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist:

• The humans' shoes;
• the human's cats;
• 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells);
• the other dog(s);
• the TV remote control;
• the bath mitt;
• large patterns on wallpaper;
• any throw rug in the entire house;

I will not bark at [xxx]:

• Plastic bags on the ground;
• the wind;
• thunder;
• tissue paper
• my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there;
• the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night;
• absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11 pm);
• Japanese kabuki music;
• garden hoses;

I will not chew the [xxx]:

• Human's homework;
• human's papers s/he has to mark;
• remote control;
• food left within reach on the couch;
• horse's new saddle;
• couch;
• sofa cushions;
• expensive paperbacks;
• Daddy's leather briefcase;
• corners of couch pillows;

I will not dig [xxx]:

• Under the stove (and through the linoleum);
• under the sidewalk until it collapses;
• the carpet;
• a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
• under my human's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier;
• a swimming pool in the back yard;

I will not lift my leg to the [xxx]

• Anything growing in the vegetable garden;
• house corner;
• new boyfriend;
• mailman;
• woodstove;
• subordinate pack members;
• Grandma's plush chair;
• the conformation judge;
• Daddy in the lawn chair;
• Daddy's desk chair;

Annoying/Embarrassing Habits

Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.

I am not an alarm clock. The human does *not* need to be woken at the same time *every* day.

I do not have to mark my human's car as my territory.

I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.

I don't *have* to place my throat across Mommy or Daddy's mouth after they've fussed at me. They're not really going to bite my throat out.

Blue sidewalk chalk is not food.

I will not dig in the potted plants.

I will not eat/roll in fresh, green "horse biscuits" after not doing so, I will not lick/jump on the guests.

The Rottweiler next door and I will not have barking contests outside the bedroom window at 2:00 am.

I will not learn to howl from the fire engines (sirens), like a siren and then howl to their calls every time they go by.

I will not bowl Mom over and run into the house before she bends over to wipe all my muddy paws.

I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.

I will not carry my Chewman by the crotch. It makes male guests nervous. Especially when the female guests begin to chuckle.

I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king sized bed at 2 a.m.

I will not curl up in the basket while Mommy is trying to fold the laundry.

I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.

I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests are present.

I will not drink sloppily from my water bowl and then run up to Mommy to give her a big wet kiss.

I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of the room getting a beer.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

I will not empty my glands while we are all in bed under the covers at 6 a.m.

I will not expose myself to female visitors.

I will not get in the dryer and steal all the clean underwear to make sure it is really clean.

I will not give Daddy a big sloppy kiss after licking my penis for 10 minutes.

I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are sitting on the toilet.

I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.

I will not insist on getting under the covers, staying under them ten minutes, then come rushing out because I'm too hot.

I will not jump into bed, flatten my ears, lick Dad's face and look searchingly into his eyes to see if Mom has permanently damaged him immediately following Mom and Dad doing their thing.

I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.

I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.

I will not jump onto the bed to watch when Mommy and Daddy begin to buck-n-snort with one another.

I will not knock Mom in the head while she bends over and tries to wipe my muddy feet.

I will not leave balls on the stairs.

I will not lick Mom's toes while Mom and Dad are doing their thing.

I will not lick the wet spot on the bed after Mom and Dad have done their thing.

I will not lie on Mummy, pinning her to the floor.

I will not lift my leg on Dad while he is asleep. (Oops! I got neutered for that one.)

I will not lift my leg to Nana's new suit from Nordstrom's.

I will not make Mommy feel guilty about "abandoning" me to go to work by giving her "the Big Sad Eyes" through the back door. Dog food doesn't grow on trees you know.

I will not make Mommy get off the couch to let you out, per your request, just so you can have the warm spot she is in.

I will not masturbate in front of new guests.

I will not pant enough to shake the car when my owners are trying to take a nap while traveling.

I will not place my chin on the foot of the bed while Mom and Dad are doing their thing.

I will not put my head through the mini blinds when Mom forgets to pull them up.

I will not rest my head on the bed, 2 inches from my mom's face at 2 AM, and then blow to clear out my boxer sinus' if she doesn't wake up immediately to let me outside.

I will not run up and lick Mommy's face after having slobbered all over the dead bird to whom I gave a heart attack.

I will not shake hands with a guest, then flop down onto his feet while I clean my No-No.

I will not steal hard candy, crunch and munch on it and leave candy-coated drool to dry into the rug.

I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.

I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy and Daddy's bed in the middle of the night.

I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.

I will not wait until we all (Mom, Dad & I) get into bed, before I decide I need to barf.

I will not whine at Mommy to lie down and play with me but then ignore her and go eat my food.

If I trip my human so she falls on her face, slobbering all over her face does *not* make her happy.

It makes Mommy nervous when I rest my head on her knee while she's on the potty.

Just because I hear Mommy or Daddy's car doesn't mean I have to scream at the top of my lungs.

Barking/Noise

I shall bark like a German Shepherd at burglars, instead of offering to help.

I shall not bark like a German Shepherd at guests who arrive in the night and are nervous of big dogs (the dog is the size of a Corgi).

I will not attack cactus and then bark at it when it bites back.

I will not "back-talk", mumble or grumble at Mom and Dad all through dinner, after they have made me go and sit on my bed because my nose was hanging over their plates.

I will not bark at the bedroom air conditioner when it turns itself off at 3 a.m. (My dog Eric gets very put out when her creature comforts are interfered with.)

I will not bark and wag my (Rottweiler) "nubbie" at my Christmas stocking, even though it's empty.

I will not bark at my human just because she's wearing a hat.

I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium; floating outside the window; in the oven). It is just my reflection.

I will not bark at the humans after they have eaten dinner and have left-overs on their plates. If I am ignored, I will not put my paw on someone's leg as a "reminder" (this is a Rottweiler).

I will not climb up on my human's chair, lick her ice cream bowl bowl clean, then bark in outrage when it's empty.

I will not do a "hold and bark" at the plastic Santa Claus on the neighbor's front lawn. He's not wearing a sleeve, anyway.

I will not howl in Mama's ear when the alarm goes off. She is perfectly capable of hearing it herself.

I will not run headlong into the front door every time the postman arrives. (This event is followed by ferocious barking which the postman ignores and walks away.)

I will not stalk and then bark at the abandoned shopping cart in the park.

I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a KER-THUMP! and makes me bark at it.

I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at the door.

I will realize that everyone knows I am a neglected dog because my parents throw me outside to wee late at night and will therefore refrain from announcing it by barking non-stop.

I will realize that scary animal in the yard next door is just a really tacky plastic deer and will quit barking at it at every opportunity.

If a motorist stops in front of our house, there is no need to bark for a full hour after they have pulled away.

Just because I am a Dalmatian and Daddy is a firefighter doesn't mean that it is absolutely necessary to bark at every siren I hear, and every fire truck I see.

Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without barking at them when they are present.

Squirrels are not burglars. I do not need to bark when they are on the lawn.

The bright, colored lights outside do not signal landing UFOs, so I will stop barking at them whenever they are turned on.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

Children

Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her face.

I will not knock over the little neighborhood kids when I greet them.

I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the neighbor's kids' faces.

I will not visit the next door neighbors to play with their children at every possible opportunity.

I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not try to exert my dominance on them.

I will realize that no matter what I do, there will continue to small children in the world. I should let them live in peace.

Infants who have just finished their cereal (and they aren't real good at it yet!) have the *best* faces for washing.

Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should take it.

Food/Water

Bubbles in the bubble bath are not food.

Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.

Dogs do not like jalapeno peppers. I am a dog.

Even if I do eat the top layer of off the lasagna, Mom will hide it by adding more cheese.

Even though I'm a Springer, I will not spring through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.

I do not have to be fed every time someone opens the fridge.

I will chew my grilled hot-dog carefully so that I don't vomit it up whole later.

I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of the serving bowls.

I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.

I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies, of course) on my family's plates.

I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat--paper and all).

I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.

I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.

I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.

I will not eat (peanut butter, suet, ...) because it makes me throw up, even though it usually stays down the second time.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will not run over to my human after eating and burp in his face.

I will not steal and eat Mom's toenail clippings off the table.

I will not take each and every mouthful of food from the kitchen to the dining room to eat properly.

Lipstick is not food, even if mommy 'eats' it. (The effect was a bit frightening!)

Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.

Gross!

I do not need to immediately find Mommy and give her all kinds of kisses when I have just had a drink from my favorite water bowl in the bathroom.

I will not belch loudly, then smack my lips and smile when Mommy and Daddy have guests.

I will not breathe on Mommy after "recycling" the poop in the backyard.

I will not catch mice, and run around the yard while they're squeaking in my mouth playing Catch The Dog with Mommy. Further, I will not then regurgitate them whole, re-eat them and play Catch with Mommy again. (Why does Mommy keep shrieking like that?)

I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my owner will think I am hemorrhaging.

I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into Mommy's lap.

I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.

I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on them until they are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass door with a rodent tail hanging from my mouth while my mummy is eating dinner!

I will not eat my own vomit.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my human is about to put on.

I will not lick Daddy's face after I've cleaned my private parts.

I will not lick Mommy's ear canal when she picks me up.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are asleep.

I will not lick the inside of Mommy's nose. She says this feels nasty.

I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

I will not shake my head, causing large gobs of dog slime to land on people's bodies/papers from work/food.

I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.

I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

I won't roll in something real stinky and then go roll all over mom's bed to make it smell "good" too.

Kitty box "crunchies" are not food.

Mom and Dad know I appreciate them. I do not need to thank them after my meal by placing my food-water-and-drool-covered chin in their laps.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

Mess Making/Destroying

I am a German Shepherd, not a spider. Mommy's embroidery floss is not good web material.

I shall not eat the crotch out of Mommy's dirty underwear when she forgets to close the closet where the laundry basket sits.

I will not destroy every doggie toy in less then five seconds.

I will not dismember children's dolls and leave the room looking like the aftermath of a hatchet-murder.

I will not eat *EVERY* pillow in the house.

I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.

I will not eat the couch cushions.

I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud puddle.

I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible on the floor.

I will not rub my nose all over the patio door after Mom has cleaned it.

I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

I will not throw a tantrum and tear up the bedding every time my human walks out of the house. He may only be going to the curb or the trash cans. I will wait until I hear the car start to throw a tantrum.

I will not try to dominate my larger, younger, also neutered brother at every possible opportunity by forcing him to submit to violent bitch-on-top sex in the car at the traffic lights.

I will not try to eat the rear wiper in my Mom's car, thus smearing the inside of the window worse than the outside was.

I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and Daddy are away at work.

I will not use all the door molding as a chew toy.

Not All There

Creeping towards the human on my stomach while he is scolding me will not negate my crime.

Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.

I am a Rhodesian Ridgeback, *not* a lapdog!

I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.

I don't need to thank mom/dad every few bites of my breakfast/dinner.

I do not need to watch and whine incessantly while Mommy and Daddy are using the shower. There is no water monster!

I know that deer statues are not real and will not try to attack them.

I must face the same direction as the other dogs when I am harnessed with them or I will get dragged.

I will not break my leather collar when I am chained up because I am scared of the pretty balloon that is floating over my Mommy's house. I will also not break my new (2nd) leather collar when I am chained up and my Daddy is mowing the yard.

I will not chase the shadows on the wall because Mommy and Daddy will think I am nuts. (But they don't hear the voices...)

I will not crawl under the bed, get stuck, then whimper pathetically till somebody comes to find me.

I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture when people are sitting on it.

I will not fool with Daddy's electric razor, even if he lets it lie on the bed. It turns on easily and makes spooky noise.

I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know whether my human asked for it or not.

I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.

I will not yank my Mom's arm out of its socket when we're on a walk as I try to get to every fluffy dandelion head I see so I can eat it.

If I can come in the doggy door, I can also go out of it.

The dogs on TV are not real.

The feather pillow is not a bird. I will not flush it out of its hiding place.

The meter man is not going to attack my house.

Other Critters

I am a 125 lb. St. Bernard. I will not allow the neighbor's 2 lb. kitten to beat me up.

I am a Corgi; I am not bigger than the Doberman and German Shepherd.

I am a German Shepherd, and a Highland Terrier puppy is SMALLER than I am.

I am a livestock GUARDIAN, my job description does not include terrorizing the sheep, eating their droppings, or rolling in same.

I am bigger than that cat next door and should not be afraid of it.

I do not have to check the new puppy every 5 minutes to see if he is still a boy. He was, he is, and he will be.

I will leave the old dog alone when it doesn't want to play.

I will not charge at top speed and pounce on the sleeping cats.

I will not chase the cat out of the bedroom at full speed, at night, when there are no lights on, and run directly into my mom who was attempting to enter the room and turn on the light unaware of the chase in progress. I cannot see in the dark like the cat can.

I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming across the lake.

I will not chase the wild bunnies in our back yard & eat their poop (and then later throw it up on Mom and Dad's bed).

I will not eat Mom's $900 Amazon parrot!

I will not pick up Kitty by the head.

If I push the cat too far she will fight back.

Multi-coloured snakes are NOT my friends.

Other furry critters are not running chew toys. (Cats, squirrels, Mommy's guinea pig)

Squirrels can fight back.

That bear is NOT just another big dog.

That black and white animal with the bushy tail is NOT a cat.

The bear does *not* want to play with me. (You would think something the size of a beagle would know this.)

The cat does *not* need me to wash him.

The horses are not my personal hot-lunch wagons.

The neighborhood dogs are *NOT* burglars/murderers.

The neighbor's cat is NOT a rag doll.