From - Harold Reynolds' Humor Collection

Bad Horse List...

1. Bodily Functions

• I will not poop in my water tub.
• I will not poop in my feeder!
• "I promise not to fart while my human picks my back feet out"
• I will not stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
• I will not poop over the tailgate of my horse trailer on the freeway, embarrassing my mom no end! (How do you use a pooper-scooper on the freeway? Sheeh!)
• I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
• I will not poop on the patio while munching grass in the back yard, with or without guests present
• If I REALLY HAVE TO pee while under saddle, I will indicate by some method other than dumping my rider.
• My stall is not a litter box. When I have free access, I do *not* have to go *back* inside to pee. There's a perfectly good paddock outside.

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2. Training

• I will not leave when my rider falls off.
• I will not canter in place and hop up and down when other horses s go in front of me, especially when jumping.
• I will try to actually jump the jumps, instead of walking right through them and destroying them
• Mommy on board-- sliding stops and spins forbidden! Fragile cargo--keep upright!
• I will not totally ignore my human when he is asking me to trot on the lunge.
• I will not turn and make faces at my human when he asks me to trot.
• I will not totally ignore my human when he asks me to walk on the lunge when I've been trotting.
• I will not totally ignore my human when he asks me to trot on the lunge when I've been cantering.
• I will not totally ignore the noise of the lunge whip and do my own thing on the lunge.
• I will listen to my human on the lunge rather than see what's interesting at the other end of the school.
• When being ridden bareback, I won't try to see how high I can get my bucks.
• I will learn to judge my stopping distances, so I don't cover everyone in mud.
• I will not roll in streams or lie down and take a nap when humans are on my back.
• I will not buck instead when asked to canter.
• I will not drop my shoulder and spin out when bucking doesn't work.
• I will not leap over large non-existent obstacles when the whim strikes.
• I will walk a true straight line on the reverse walk and not take the judge out.
• I will not try to bolt and run with another horse while under saddle.
• I will try to listen when the human is on my back.
• I will not roll with my saddle on.
• I will not toss my head and shake it when asked to trot.
• I will not fall on my forehand and act like a freight train despite the half-halting, leg thumping rider on top of me
• I am able to go 20 minutes by myself when Mom rides me, I can learn to make it a full hour without crying. I am a big, strong, smart horsy and Mom takes good care of me.
• I will no longer pretend that I hear a monster in the woods when my Mom lunges me, faking a runaway and then looking for a sugar cube when my Mom says Whoa and I stop like a good girl.
• I will let Heather pony other horses off of me, even though I get sick of them after a while and feel like kicking them.
• I will not to buck when Heather makes me canter.
• I will remember that when Heather pulls back on the reins and says "whoa," I can stop.
• I WILL pay attention to Mom when she's ground driving me rather than worrying about where Lady is.
• I will not jump a fence without my human friend (especially when there is a huge mud puddle one the other side).
• I do understand that I have four feet, not just two or three, I can learn to pick up all four of them while my human is riding me I can, I can, I can ....
• When SHE tells me to turn around and go up the fence line we just came down, I will *not* act like I'm drunk and can't walk a straight line.
• I will *not* walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
• I Will Stand Still When I Am Told To! ! ! !
• I will not buck anyone off unless they yell at me!
• I will not put both hind legs over a cliff causing us to almost fall down it.
• I will not side pass across the road in front of a car and then rear up in front of it scaring the hell out of both mummy and the car driver.
• I will not buck just after mummy has just got on bareback causing her to fall off onto gravel and rocks and giving her a terrible scar on her arm.
• I will not canter on the spot on the way back from a trail.

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3. Dealing with Humans

• I promise not to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet. I also promise not to choose that particular time to fulfill my basic needs.
• I will not chew on my human's hair while she is grooming my stall mate on the cross ties beside my stall.
• I will not attempt to bow when my left front hoof is being picked. I will accept the fact that I will not receive a treat for bowing under these circumstances.
• "I promise not to kick frozen urine/mud into my human friend's eyes"
• "I will not stand as close to the round pen as I can get and pathetically hang my head and droop my ears while you exercise the others"
• I will not bite my human.
• I will not pin my ears completely flat when I want my dinner and my human is taking her sweet time dishing it out.
• I will not try to see if I can drop-kick my human the way big sis drop-kicked me.
• I will not steal mommy's carrots out of my human's back pocket.
• I will not bite my shoer's butt just because it's there.
• I will not wipe my snotty nose on mom's shirt, pants, or any other piece of clothing or body.
• I will not take a drink out of the bin and try to nuzzle mom in her hair right after.
• I will not sneeze on dad when he's wearing a nice white shirt.
• I will not untie Mom's boot laces and I will not play in puddles.
• I will not wipe green slime down the back of Jo's clean white shirt
• I promise to quit kicking the white car, even though secretly Mommy encourages it.
• I promise to be a good boy during my workouts so that Mommy will have more time to study, even though I know that those books will hurt her cuz she won't let me chew on them at all.
• I will let myself get caught in the field, I will not make mommy fall down on the ice trying to catch me
• I will not blow my nose on my Mom.
• I will not try to mooch goodies off of every human within a one-mile radius.
• I will not use my head to fling my stall door open, bashing my Mom in the butt with it as she's leaning down to get a brush out of her grooming box.
• I will not "drop down" while Mom is taking PICTURES of me!!!!
• When being walked round the stable's land, I won't walk up to a jump with a ditch then decide to jump it with human in tow. (Wheeeeeeeeee Arggghhhhhhh!)
• When having my feet picked out, I won't pick up the opposite one to which my human wants.
• When having my back feet picked out, I won't rest the weight of my leg on my humans back. (Arrgh! Gerrof Gerrof)
• When having my back feet picked out, I won't hop to the side using my human to hold up the whole weight of my back end.
• I will not stamp my hind feet like a little missy when my human pulls mud off ticklish bits.
• I will not make horrible faces at my human when he doesn't pay me the attention I deserve 100% of the time.
• I will not push my human into the water trough while she is bending over it scrubbing it out.
• The next time my human squishes (not swats, heavens no) a fly on my body, I will not act as though she is trying to kill me and bolt away and break my reins (this has happened TWICE)
• I will not take a bite out of my humans if they dare to ignore me.
• I will not put my head on the ground when my human is reaching for my poll.
• I will not get jealous when my person is riding, grooming or playing with any other animal or person.
• I will learn to stand up like the big 16.2 hand boy that I am, ALL BY MYSELF, when Mike does my feet. Just say no to tranquilizers!
• I will not get stressed out when Mom tries to ride me again. Next time, I will be ready!!
• I will not give Mom a big kiss after filling my mouth with water.
• I will not shake my head every time mom starts clipping my bridle path, even though it sounds like flies buzzing around my ears.
• Lady & Kali: We will not pretend we can't hold our back feet up for the farrier when mom knows that we can since she practices that with us a lot.
• I promise not to wait until Mom needs to catch me for the farrier to show her how much energy I have and how good I feel today.
• I promise not to chase my Mom when she's in the paddock just to see her run.
• I promise faithfully not to use my rider as a rubbing post when he/she has just dismounted, I understand it CAN be really annoying and distracting.
• I Will NOT ignore HER when she tells me to pay attention to HER.
• I will not turn my butt to Mom when she tries to catch me and put me back in my pasture even if she is wearing a nightgown and flip-flops and looks ridiculous.
• I promise that when She is putting hoof oil on my feet that I *will* keep them on the ground and not knee her in the face thereby damaging her expensive eyeglasses
• I will not kick at flies whilst mummy is cleaning my hooves causing mummy concussion and sending her to hospital.
• I WILL NOT lay totally flat in my stall with my eyes glazed and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my owner frantically screaming "are you asleep"
• I promise not to moan or whine while sleeping causing everyone in the barn to ask my human when the vet is coming

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4. Dealing with other Animals/Horses

• I won't kick at the next horse and get my hind legs caught in the bars of the fence, elevating my hind end off the ground for 2 hours and causing panic w/ the humans (my 24 yr old mare did this, and she stood still the entire time until the vet came and helped her off-at 6 am in the morning (he was not a happy camper))
• I won't tease the dogs anymore, causing them to bark in the wee hours of the morning.
• I will try not to run and buck while the next door neighbors are trying to catch their horses (I felt sorry for them; they almost had one caught when my horse bucked and ran, and then all of their horses ran! It was kind of funny though....)
• When (whomever) does a bronco routine during lessons I will *not* join in, no matter how exciting that would be.
• I will make friends with the goat. But only if he stops hiding behind the tree while I am working and She stops feeding him my treats in front of me.
• I will not be jealous when She gives my treats to my best friend Sassy when I don't want to be caught. Jealousy is obviously a vice since I always get caught.
• I will not bite my mommy's hocks.
• I will particularly not try to bite big sis's hocks considering that the last time I got in that close she picked me up by the scruff of the neck and drop-kicked me across the pasture.
• I will not chew on the goat's horns unless the goat asks me to.
• I Danny, will be nicer to Joey. I won't run ahead of him into my stall in wait to attack him while he's trying to get into his stall.
• I Joey, promise not to shut Danny in his stall or poop in his hay.
• I will not torture Tonka and Dazzler until they must kick me around.
• I will not let that bad doggie hang off my vet-wrapped tail anymore.
• I will not boss Lady around during grain time, even though the grain she is eating is better than mine. (grain is tastier in whatever grain pail Lady is eating out of than it is in the one Kali is eating out of) :)
• I promise not to force my sister, Cinnamon, to run around the paddock when its slippery or muddy just so I can see how good her balance is.
• I will, I will, I will let Cinnamon come in the lean-to in bad weather and not hog it all to myself.
• I will NOT bite Angel's butt when she tries to come up for Mom to pet her.
• Those little "dustmop dogs" that the other humans bring into the stable are not synonymous with "demons from Hell" (Even if they are annoying, yappy little mutts). Therefore, I do NOT need to streak out of the barn, leaving Mom in the dust, when one of them barks at me.
• If "Big Mama" cat decides to have her latest litter of kittens in my stall, she can do it herself; I am not required to neigh LOUDLY all night for help; I should just watch the Miracle of Birth and them leave her alone. (I guess Charlie was being over-protective; he and Big Mama are great friends.)
• I will *not* let the calf chew on my tail. Or my mane. Or my forelock. Or other parts of my body (our neighbor has a weird story about this!)
• I will not stick my tail thru the gate to the barn and let the calf chew it.
• If I persist in letting the calf chew on me, I will be forced to wear my tail in the ugly tail braid that SHE does so the calf can't get at it. And if I still let Roscoe chew on me, I'll have to suffer during fly season because it's **My Own Darn Fault** and I should know better
• I will not try to get Razz to kick me and the board again, by biting her in the butt until she gets fed up and tries to kick, especially before Mom has the new board nailed up.
• I will not chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
• I will not chase my friend out of the paddock causing her to jump a fence and break another.

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5. "Helping"

• I promise never to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my master is mucking my stall (my friend's horse does this all the time)
• I will not dump the full manure cart all over my nice clean stall.
• I will not grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
• I will not follow mommy into the tack room.
• If you leave the muck rake leaning against the fence, I will not pick it up and rerake all the nice little piles. (I wish I had my camcorder...I could have won the funniest home video contest!)
• I will not ignore Mom when she tries to drive me away so she can nail up a new board and instead bite her head and pull her hair every time she looks down to hammer.

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6. Barn Manners

• I won't pull all of the hay out of the feeder and dump it on the ground before eating it
• I will not immediately crib on the anti-cribbing surface that Mom just spent 4 hours installing.
• I will not go up to the newly soaped wooden ledge (favorite cribbing spot), crib on it despite the half inch of Orvus, and then blow soap bubbles in my clean water bucket.
• I will not run over my owner when that person tries to open my stall door and let me out. Further, I will then only go through the gate leading to the pasture, not the one opening into the road. I do not want my owner to resort to putting my halter on just to turn me out, as if I were a silly foal.
• We will not tear off each others' halter fuzzies in play and then pass them down the shed row to our neighbors several stalls away. Further, we will not tear off chunks of each others' noses.
• I will no longer get overexcited every time the foal or the miniature horse is led by my stall.
• I will not take my mommy's fly mask off and stomp on it and shake it till I've killed it and then carry it to the other end of the pasture and drop it in the farthest, farthest corner where my human has to really hike to get it back.
• I will not dance in the cross-ties while mom's got her new dressage saddle resting on my back (not yet girthed up), causing it to slip back, which causes me to spook and dump the saddle upside down in the gravel :)
• I promise not to chew on everything that comes within 12 inches of my nose to see if it's dead so that Mommy won't get hurt if it attacks.
• I will not jump the fence when I go out to play and Mommy doesn't stay even though she tells me she will be ok (I worry about her).
• When you put a water heater in my water tub, I will NOT pull it out and try to burn the barn down!
• I will not dig my way to Australia before I roll. 8 inches of shavings should be enough for anyone.
• I will not assume that because my person fits between the rails on the post and rail fencing, I will. (This was very humiliating, I couldn't get my head and leg back and had to wait for her to do it.)
• I will not throw my haynet over the stable wall, then complain 'cos I can't get it back. (I've got a small holed haylage net, I'd rather have hay on the floor)
• I will not throw my rubber feed tub at my person. She says it hurts.
• I will not crib the instant my cribbing collar is taken off.
• I will not get jealous when my person is riding, grooming or playing with any other animal or person.
• I will let Merlot into the run-in shed in bad weather.
• I will learn to appreciate my stall, it is warm and clean and soft.
• I promise not to go into my brother Stoney's stall when Mom lets me in from the paddock just 'coz I like to see Stoney get all worked up. I know which stall is mine and will *always* go into my stall from now on.
• I will not turn around and threaten to bite anyone this summer when they cinch me up, especially my favorite person or the other workers.
• I will not not NOT try to open the windows to other horse's stalls when Mom turns me out in the dry lot behind the barn while she cleans my stall.
• I will not throw fits and run around and kick my heels up past the top fence rail when Mom turns me out in the dry lot without Lady.
• I will NEVER EVER EVER again squeal and pace circles in my stall when Mom brings me in and leaves Lady outside so that Mom has to come in with the whip and move me around until I pay attention to her instead of trying to look out the window at Lady.
• I will not jump over the automatic waterer in my field and run the fence line because I can't figure out how to get back to my pasture.
• Once I get in the other field, I WILL NOT rip off all the plywood on the back of their shed in a raging blizzard!
• I will not roll *right* next to the fence so I get cast. Especially at the far side of a muddy field when my She doesn't have her rubber boots with her.
• I will not remove my brand new tail bag so that my She has to go slog through the mud again to rescue it
• I WILL NOT jump over the door and out of my stall from a standing start, giving everybody in the barn a heart attack.
• I will not make a shot for the pasture when mom opens my stall door.
• I *Will* *Not* have an attitude problem. I won't I won't I won't.
• I will not get cranky just because we don't go home when I'm ready.
• I Am NOT required to mouth everything I can find
• I will not bite or kick everything within range.
• I will not dance around at the end of my lead rope whilst fly spray is being applied for my own good, even though it tickles like mad.
• I *will* behave when my teats are being cleaned.
• I will not accost anyone carrying a: bucket, bowl, pan, sack ect. to determine if there is anything for me in it.
• I won't step in dog doo on the way to the barn to be groomed.
• I will not try to dig a hole to China in the aisle when I get restless.
• I will not jerk my leg back and forth making impossible to get my feet picked.
• I will not chew on things that don't belong to me.
• I will not swat at imaginary flies.
• I will not shake my head uncontrollably for no reason.
• I will not make my slave come and get me in the mud, I will come when called.
• I will not take my stable bandages off in the night so they serve no purpose but for pillows.
• I will not try to get out of my hood.
• I will no longer kick 15' in the air when a horsefly lands on my back (even if it is a Giant Mutant horsefly). I understand it will not carry me off to feed to its' young.
• Water/mud/fly spray will not dissolve me.
• I will no longer rip the boards off the fence with my lead line when I am tied to it and something spooks me.
• I will not pull my fly sheet off over my head and grind it into the dirt.
• I will not lie in the mud when I have a perfectly nice shed with clean shavings.
• I will not turn right around in the crossties when the shoer is trying to shoe me, just so I can see where Mom is.
• I will not pull my new shoes off the next day just to prove I can still do it.
• I will not roll in the mud when it is thirty degrees out and come in cold.
• I will not give the other slave a hard time when its time for dinner... I will go directly to my stall and not run through the barn at warp speed screaming my head off.
• I will not roll 10 minutes before Emma gets home from school and wants to ride out with friends.
• If I have to roll I will try to do it in a nice grassy area, not in the dustbowl bit.
• I am neither a beaver or a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the fences.

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7. Appearance

• I won't roll right after my bath, even though it feels so good
• I won't eat the grass on the other side of the fence, rubbing all of my mane off.
• "I will not attempt to pull my Mommy's mane while she is pulling mine." (I had one that would pull on my hair while I thinned his mane.)
• I will not get mud dreadlocks in my mane which takes my human an hour to get out.
• I will not rub my face in the mud even though I like my human pulling all the little bits of mud off with his fingers.
• I will not turn my head round and lean on my human's shoulders with my head totally blocking his vision when he brushes my neck.
• I will not rub my head on my human when he is standing on a bucket trying to get the mud out of my mane thus unbalancing him.
• I will not make faces when I have my rugs put on or taken off.
• When wet and muddy I will not roll before my person has removed my rug.
• When wet and muddy I will not roll when she's undone only the front part of my rug. (the rest slides back, very uncomfortable)
• I will not roll in the mud every single day (when mud is available and trust me, this spring will be a mud bath) and then rub my caked body along the sides of my stall and feed box.
• After my gray coat is sparkling white, I promise not to get green stains up under my blanket or lay my head in poop.
• I will NOT destroy every blanket I wear. I look like a hobo with my blanket/sheet hanging in shreds on my back.
• I will not spend to much time being groomed or washed! (For those horses who LOVE to be groomed and washed)
• I I will not cake myself with mud, and then kick and squeal when trying to be groomed.
• I am not a Shin'a'in Battlesteed.
• I will put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
• I will not stare into space like an air-head.
• I will forgive mommy for the very bad haircut she gave me even though I look like a freak.

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8. Eating and Drinking

• When you give me feed in a tub on the ground I will NOT immediately stick my foot in it and tumble it over.
• I will not steal Her earrings from Her ears and eat them!
• I will learn to drink cool (and even cold) water again, once winter is over!
• I will not play rodeo horse around my morning grain bucket, stepping in it and sending my grain flying in all directions.
• I will not bang my hoof incessantly against the water trough if the water is below what *I* think is an appropriate level. Further, I will not protest once the water arrives by squirting out a whole gallon of the water down my human's neck in sub-zero temperatures.
• The stuff hanging off the saddle on the horse tied next to me is NOT there for me to eat.
• When I run out of water at 3 a.m., I will *not* attempt to dig a hole and try to find water in a hole 2 ft across and 2 inches deep. After I dig that hole, I will *not* manage to drag the water trough over to the hole in an attempt to fill it with the nonexistent water.
• I will NOT be crabby when I am fed - SHE doesn't like horses who pin their ears, and may choose not to feed them until the ears are forward
• I will NOT inhale half a bale of hay in under an hour - people see me trying to hoover bits of hay out of the snow and think I'm neglected
• If Mommy plants morning glories by the fence to look pretty, I *will not* eat them or Mommy will put up a hot wire. (She did and I did)
• I will not poke my nose under the woven wire of the to get the little grass bits, making people think I am neglected and rubbing the hair off my face.
• The forest is not a lunchbox. I do not have to try to snatch *every* single piece of greenery that I pass.
• I will not eat hey or grass while my rider is on my back.
• I WILL have good manners while treats are being fed. I WILL have good manners while treats are being fed. I WILL have good manners. . .
• I shall not bite a persons finger when being fed a treat! (EVEN if it looks like one of the best carrots ever!)
• I will not eat hair.
• I will not put my head down to eat grass while a rider (human) is combing my mane!
• I will not eat all my "hairdressers" yarn while being braided. I understand yarn is NOT spaghetti.
• I will not relentlessly beg at the picnic table while my human is eating lunch.
• Cat Chow is *not* horse food.
• I will not reach thru the bars(one is missing) in my stall into the pony's stall and eat his grain.
• I will not then open everybody's feed bins so my friend and I can taste everything.
• I will not leave my grain bin with leftovers, ever.
• I will not bang the stall door at breakfast/supper just because I get fed last and get the least amount of grain.
• I will take down my worming paste without spitting it back in her face.
• I accept that not every carrot is for me.

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9. Horsesauruses (Horse-Eating Monsters)

• I won't shy at silly things like: pieces of paper, hoses, cattle, shadows, air, buckets, my own tail, humans, grass, or pebbles
• When performing a dressage test, I will not spook at the judge sitting at C
• There is no monster waiting to jump out of the wood chip pile.
• I will NOT jump into the air, turn 180 degrees, and start for the barn each time I see a deer in the woods.
• There is NO monster in the corner of the school.
  
• I will not spook more than a few inches on the way home on trail rides, unless it is really really scary, because I know She'll make me go back again even though I *really* want to go home! I know I am allowed to only look and not jump halfway across the road, but it is so hard.
• If something is really really scary on the way home I will make sure I spook enough to get Her off. She knows it is fear that way and if I stand real still afterward I won't get punished for it.
• I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsesaurus Monster breathes at me.
• I promise not to continually attempt to pass the guide horses on our public trail rides. (S - All I want is to be first in the line!! :()
• I will be able to be in the front of the line on a trail ride without thinking that every bush, flower, branch, leaf, rock, etc. will jump out and bite me!
• If I *must* spook, I must do so consistently - if I'm going to spook at one truck, SHE says I may as well do it right and spook at them all.
• I Will NOT Spook when SHE brings out my nice saddle like she's done many many times
• I will not pick things up in my mouth and spook at them.
• I will not jump 2 feet higher than the blue bath towel laying over the 2 foot jump, to make it look solid !
• Logs are not alligators.
• Deer are not carnivorous.
• I will not spook and run in to my equine compaion(s) when a deisel vehicle passes us 70' away on the road.
• I will not spook and run headlong through the arena at the marks my own hoofs made while backing up
• I will not shy when I pass by familiar objects for fun.
• I must not spook at streams running *under* bridges.
• I will not spook at the bucket I've passed 30 times in the last hour.
• I will not shy from the tractor that sits at the end of the arena each day.
• I will not freak out crossing the bridge we've crossed for 10 years...even though I'm SURE there's a troll under it.
• Piranhas do not live in fresh water - I can cross that stream.

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10. Escaping

• I will not attempt to let the geldings into my arena from their paddock or to let myself out into the driveway.
• I will not "blow through" mom's electric tape cross-fence with all four hooves off the ground so I don't get shocked.
• I will not frighten the farrier, by untying myself and nibbling his bum.
• I will not untie myself and quietly follow my person to the tack shed, do a good imitation of a total eclipse of the door and frighten her to death.
• I will not push my way under the electric fencing. I'm too big and it snaps.
• I will not break the top fence board into pieces with long jagged shards by kicking at Andy.
• I will not jump over the remaining boards and go running past mom's window at 8:30 at night just as she is climbing into the bathtub and Dad is out of town. I am black and hard to see at night and Mom is crabby when she has to jump out of the tub and grab clothes in a hurry.
• I will not run out AGAIN and make Mom catch me for the second time while she is scrounging around in the dark looking for a board to fit the fence I broke and make her say really bad words.
• I will not take off and run through the fields that belong to the man with the Dobermans, which he is not afraid to turn on me.
• I will not attempt to sneak out with the other horses when they are being taken for a ride, furthermore, I will not freak out every time the other horses get to go somewhere to ride.
• I promise not to jump out any more.
• I will not break out of my hot wire paddock during the night, letting my friend out too.
• I will not, when mom is leading me up to the barn from the *muddy* pasture, wheel around, yank the leadrope out of her hands, give a little buck, gallop back to the very end of the pasture in the muddiest spot, look at mom, and stick my tongue out.
• I will not slip my hood in the night and let it trail along in the dewy grass.

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11. Playing

• I will not take mommy's bungee lead rope off the rail and hold it by the middle and find out that if you shake it just right you can make it spin till it makes REALLY WEIRD NOISES and if you hold it even righter you can get the bull snap to drape over your neck so it doesn't slam you in the eye.
• I will not play "chicken" with the barn when I'm out in the paddock. I now understand that the barn will NOT move out of my way if I charge at it causing me to hit it and knock myself out cold.
• I *will not* hit my human with "friendly fire" during horse fights.

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12. Injury and Recovery

• I won't paw with that front left hoof (the one where I fractured the coffin bone)--I won't, I won't I WON'T!
• I will not run up and down the arena fence line, and while whirling around to go the other direction, I will not smack my front hoof on the post and crack it from coronet band to sole. I will not, I will not, I will not, oh geez... how can I hide this?... Let's go stand in the mud really deep and maybe she won't see it...
• I will not stand in the mud for hours on end making sure I get an infection under my hoof wall and need to have Mom give me all kinds of special attention while she soaks my foot twice a day.
• I will try really hard not to have a lethal white foal this year, since it will mean no more babies for me and I really want to have babies.
• I will no longer cut my legs up on mysterious objects in the field every time my mummy starts making me work harder and calls it an 'achievement'.
• I will not scrape my chest up on the sharp shards of wood before Mom can saw them off. (from "Escaping"-I will not break the top fence board into pieces with long jagged shards by kicking at Andy.)

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13. On the Road/Shows

I won't stand in the middle of the road, refusing to move, while a dump truck approaches me (My friend's POA did this, we laughed so hard! Luckily the driver wasn't too mad) I will not attempt to paw my way out of mom's new trailer the first time I ride in it leaving nice dents on the outside on which the paint falls off. I will not attempt to eat above-mentioned trailer resulting in lots of scratches and dent marks. I will not attempt take my own ribbons (in my mouth) at shows. I will try to relax on the trail. I will not bite the butt of the horse in front of me. During a trail ride, I will be good and not cause undue stress on the horses near me from over excitement. I will try not to prance right after I come out of the ring with a clear round when everyone is trying to tell my Mom how well she has done. I promise I will listen my human while out on a trail ride instead trying to eat every blade of grass or leaves I see. I will not rub my mane after being braided and rip out the braid; hair and all! I will not continuously rub my bottom on the truck causing it to bleed and blister just before a major show. On the night before the day of the Inspection at camp I will not cut myself on the fence, and be disqualified. I will not shake and toss my head when it is braiding time. The trailer is my friend. I *will not* pull back when tied to the trailer, because I now know that this will overturn it. I will not pee while waiting in the ring to have my name called to accept my ribbon. Back to the Top

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14. Bad Human List

These are things that the Masters (the horse) wish their Slaves (humans) to write 100 times on the blackboard.

1. I will share all treats on picnic rides with my master.
2. I will never lunge/ground drive my master again.
3. We will only do trail rides/picnic rides, no schooling rides.
4. I won't get mad when my master licks & kicks the car to 'check it out'
5. When we are out sightseeing & my master decides something is unsafe, I will defer to her better judgment.
6. I will let my master gallop during a ride whenever she wants
7. I will NEVER, EVER comb or, heaven forbid, PULL my master's mane again!!!!
8. I will allow my master to take any jumps he wishes, whenever he wishes, at whatever speed he wishes forever more.
9. When all the horses are galloping on a nature ride, I will let the Master go so that He can WIN instead of just tying.
10. I will no longer post any of my master's embarrassing moments.
11. I will not post about my master's sensitive rear areas.
12. I will remember apples when it is so cold the applesauce is frozen so that there are treats to camaflauge the Flex Free
13. I will only buy alfalfa hay.
14. Hay is a free choice item. I buy the hay for my master so my master will now choose when she gets it.
15. NO MORE ORANGE SPOTS!!! I will not paint my master's body during hunting season.
16. The trailer shall be well stocked with apples, carrots, a bale of hay in the feeder, cooled running water, a large window for taking in the sights and a large hay rack so the hay no longer is put next to me on the way North.
17. I will provide my Master with a handsome companion of my choice at all times. (Gelded, of course. Mustn't ruin my Master's figure!!)
18. I will provide daylight till 10 pm winter and summer so my master can get in her long rides and won't have to drag her feet on the way back to the barn.
19. I will provide my Master with a halter, brand new, of her color choice, not this blue old thing. Yuck.
20. I will provide my Master with a new blankie of her choice and no scolding if she chooses to "personalize" it.
21. I will provide my Master with a larger grassy-er pasture.
22. I will provide my Master with visits to Miss Ba-Key, Miss Tashunca, and Ms Star and Sir Red upon her command.
23. *I* (the master) choose the trail at all times.
24. NO time limits on my master's trail rides. We go home when my master sez its time to.
25. No more picketing at camp. My master wants to wander and socialize too.
26. I will provide my Master with a new horse trailer and a new truck to match. She is so embarrassed by what we have now.....
27. My slave will provide me (the master) with a new and beautiful pad every day.
28. My Slave will no longer embarrass me and is forbidden to wear her Carharts in public.
29. My Slave will no longer be handling the squirt gun in the fights, I have much better aim.
30. My Slave will scoop up all poops at once, as they fall. This is now her only job in life.....Except for making new and tasty horse cookies.......
31. My Slave will keep my tack pristine.
32. My Slave will *not* wear that hideous orange vest with the reflector strips when we are in public (she is a fashion horror!!)
33. I will NEVER ride my master with saddle and bridle or any kind of restraint again."
34. My Slave will not make me carry that scary blue tarp around on my back any more, even though I am used to it now.
35. My Slave will not stand between me and Lady so that Lady gets all of her grain and I can't herd her back and forth from grain bucket to grain bucket and eat more grain than her.
36. My Slave will not take us out to groom and work with us separately. We want to be sure she spends the same amount of time with us both.
37. My Slave will remember to take me out for a good run whenever I need one. Walking and trotting on the trail and in the ring gets boring after a while!
38. My Slave will keep all people who come for lessons or to go on a trail ride from touching my face or bridling me. I am very sensitive in the face area and only those I trust (workers) may mess with my face or bridle me.
39. My Slave and the other workers will not allow my main Slave to breed me to his Paint stallion again. (I don't like being a broodmare, it ruins my figure. My back is already starting to sway and my tummy is permanently fat! I used to be a beautiful show horse, now look at me.)
40. My Slave will not let those rotten little girl scouts tape the names of my body parts on her Master so they can learn where they are.
41. My Slave will take her Master out for a fun ride when she gets bored with the walk, trot, lesson, trail routine, maybe she could even use me to catch the other Masters if they get out this summer again (horse penning!!! :)
42. My Slave will not attempt to spray her Master with fly spray, give her a bath, trim her with electric clippers, or touch her ears because she gets sick of fighting with her and always losing.
43. My Slave will not make her master lead a trail ride. She doesn't like natural objects, but cars, tractors, 4-wheelers, etc. don't bother her at all!
44. My Slave will fill the water trough to an appropriate level (to be determined by the Master) at least 20 times per day. I will not wait until my Master has to get my attention by banging his precious hoof against the trough. Further, I will humbly accept my punishment of water slurped down my neck if I have kept my Master waiting too long, and provide my Master with Double Carrots for the rest of the week.
45. My Slave WILL share her 'Mr. Freezes' with her Master. She will also hold the plastic and squirt it into her Master's mouth before her Master results to knocking her over, stealing it and tearing across the paddock!
46. My Slave must allow me to continue grazing, even after it starts pouring rain. We will not melt.
47. I promise to share my: hamburger(s), pizza, potato chips, and candy equally with my master.
48. I will allow my master to enter the house (tent) whenever she wants.
49. I will allow my Master to whoop any farrier who hits her on the leg with a file, before driving him/her off the property with a pitchfork. (A former farrier of ours did this once to one of out horses, he never came back.)
50. I will allow my Master to whoop any loose dog who pesters us on the trail/road. (Dog owners: don't let your animals run loose!)
51. I will only tie my Master to fence *posts*, not *crossrails*.
52. I will find a way for the vet to perform a Coggins test without drawing blood.
53. I vow to find a way to administer shots/wormers/medications in yummy Peanut Butter Cups.
54. I promise I will never have my Master palpated again.
55. I promise to find a way to trim my Master's feet without picking them up.
56. On trail rides I promise we will take more "black raspberry breaks".