From - Harold Reynolds' Humor Collection

Bad Kitty List...

Fill in the blanks

[xxx] is not a bed:

• Any book/paper my human is reading;
• the bathtub;
• the box full of printer paper (especially when the printer is running!);
• the car;
• the computer keyboard;
• the crystal bowl from the people's wedding;
• the electric organ;
• the inside of the antique radio;
• Mommy's sock drawer;
• the mouse pad;
• my next-door neighbor's Corvette;
• piano strings;
• the pot (not hot) on the stove;
• the printer output tray;
• the sink;
• the stove.

[xxx] is not cat food:

• Any human food,
• bananas,
• Cajun ham,
• cappuccino,
• chocolate,
• oatmeal,
• pizza,
• Ramen noodles,
• Szechwan (HOT!),
• tea,
• tofu meatballs,
• vegetarian casserole.

[xxx] is not food:

• Dental floss,
• plants,
• Kleenex,
• toilet paper,
• the human's hair,
• the human's homework,
• photographs,
• shoes,
• sweaters,
• socks,
• the couch,
• electrical cords/devices,
• phone cord,
• vases of flowers,
• electric wiring,
• Mom's toe;
• the HUGE fly;
• the other cat's vomited food;
• plastic shopping bags.

[xxx] is not prey/a toy:

• Black Widow spiders;
• my human's toes;
• the newspaper;
• open milk cartons;
• the pantyhose;
• paper clips;
• paper coming from the printer;
• toilet paper.

I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist:

• fringe on the bathroom rug,
• fuzzy toilet seat,
• human's toes,
• blue jays outside,
• teddy bear,
• poodle in the house,
• the dog,
• Mommy's shoelaces.

I will not climb the [xxx]:

• Screen,
• bulletin board,
• speaker,
• curtains,
• redwood trees,
• walls,
• human's leg

I will not jump on the [xxx]:

• bed from the top of the wardrobe at night,
• computer keyboard, kitchen counter,
• my human's full bladder at 5:30 a.m.,
• my little brother,
• the rabbit next door

I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]:

• Sofa,
• drapes,
• my human's leg,
• my human's boss's leg,
• the new speakers,
• wallpaper,
• window screen,

Annoying/Embarrassing Habits

I am NOT required to shred the newspaper to save Mommy from it.

I do not automatically *have* to be on the other side of a closed door. Particularly if I was just *there.*

I do not have to sleep in the middle of the bed. The corners are just as comfy.

I realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

I will not bat loose change, glasses, alarm clocks, etc from on top of the head board onto my human's head to get him to wake up.

I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw my human as he tries to rescue me with a ladder.

I will not hook a claw into Mommy's nostril to wake her up on weekends.

I will not stand with my tail in the doorway for five minutes while I decide if I REALLY want to go out or in. Once out/in, I will not yowl 90 seconds later to reverse direction.

People cannot see me on the floor when they are making the 3 a.m. bathroom run or have an armload of groceries.

Bathroom (Mis)Behavior

I realize that the human is not trying to get away from me when she closes the bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.

I will not carry a roll of toilet paper onto the living room rug and shred it beyond recognition because my humans went to a movie after work.

I will not fall in the toilet watching the water swirl.

I will not hide behind the commode so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to see him levitate.

I will not hide in the bathtub behind the shower curtain and then slowly reach around and put my paw on my young human's shoulder.

I will not play "hockey" with a shampoo cap in the bathtub in the wee hours of the morning.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after Mom has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not stick my paws under the bathroom door when it is closed and snag anything I can reach, including the end of the roll of toilet paper and bare unsuspecting toes.

I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.

I will not use the legs of wet humans, fresh out of the shower, to help me shed excess hair.

I won't play with my new rubber ball in the bathtub at 3 a.m.

If I don't drink out of the toilet, I will not fall in.

My human does not need rescuing from the bath.

Taking a bath is not dangerous for my human.

The toilet paper does not exist so that I can shred it into little bits.

Games/Playing

Curtains are not for climbing. If I forget, I must be careful not to snag my collar on a hook and almost hang myself.

I do not need to climb into EVERY box in the household.

I will not climb the wallpaper in my human's new house.

I will not drag Mom's knitting around the house, unraveling it in the process.

I will not hide in the kitchen drawers and jump out at Mommy.

I will not lurk under the bed and pounce on the unsuspecting human's feet when s/he is getting in or out of bed.

I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.

I will not play the game "tiger attack" when Mommy is weeding the garden.

The living room is not a jungle gym with walls and curtains to be climbed.

The piano is for humans to play.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

When Mom has friends over, I will not sneak up behind them on the back of the couch and jump at their heads.

High-tech

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. Mom doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.

I do not need to attack incoming faxes and chew them so that the humans can't read them.

I will not barf up hairballs on my Mommy's computer keyboard anymore.

I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.

Incoming faxes are for the humans. They are not attacking me, even though the paper hits me in the tush when I am napping.

The sound of the electric can opener does NOT necessarily mean it's feeding time.

The Human Factor

Daddy's eyelids are not toys to kill when they move -- like when he is waking up.

Daddy's privates and my springy cat toy are not interchangeable.

I do not need to jump on the little human's back while she watches a horror movie.

I do not need to take the dirty diaper to the diaper pail. The human is quite able to do that himself.

I will not bite my human's feet when she is using the computer.

I will not jump into the human's lap, and then see how far I can get the tip of my tail up his nose.

I will not lie next to my human's ear and purr as loudly as I can to show my devotion.

I will not stick my paw into Mommy's mouth while she's sleeping.

Just because my human bends over does not mean he wants me to jump on his back.

Mommy's breasts are not pillows that need fluffing.

Mummy's hair is not dental floss.

When Mama has a full mug of hot (coffee/tea/herbal tea) in her hand, that is not a good time to head-butt her hand in an effort to be petted.