The Comedian  Steven Wright

Wright Knowledge

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
-- Steven Wright

 I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
-- Steven Wright

 He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
-- Steven Wright

 Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
-- Steven Wright

 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
-- Steven Wright

 My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
-- Steven Wright

 When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
-- Steven Wright

 I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
-- Steven Wright

 My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
-- Steven Wright

 I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
-- Steven Wright

 I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
-- Steven Wright

 I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you."
-- Steven Wright

 I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
-- Steven Wright

 I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
-- Steven Wright

 One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright

 If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Steven Wright

 Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
-- Steven Wright

 We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
-- Steven Wright

 If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
-- Steven Wright

 "Hermits have no peer pressure."
-- Steven Wright

 Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke

 Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
-- Steven Wright

 Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
-- Steven Wright

 On the other hand... you have different fingers.
-- Steven Wright

 If you were going to shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

 What do batteries run on?
-- Steven Wright

 After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
-- Steven Wright

 It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-- Steven Wright

 My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
-- Steven Wright

 The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"
-- Steven Wright

 My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
-- Steven Wright

 I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

 The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

 Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright

 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
-- Steven Wright

 I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
-- Steven Wright