The Comedian Steven Wright

Wright Aspiration

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
-- Steven Wright

 I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
-- Steven Wright

 I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
-- Steven Wright

 They say we're 98% water..... we're that close to drowning.... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) "I like to live on the edge..."
-- Steven Wright

 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

 When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
-- Steven Wright

 I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright

 I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
-- Steven Wright

 I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-- Steven Wright

 Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright

 The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing....
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke

 When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
-- Steven Wright

 I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
-- Steven Wright

 I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
-- Steven Wright

 When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
-- Steven Wright

 I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
-- Steven Wright

 When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright

 There aren't enough days in the weekend.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)