The Comedian Steven Wright

Wright Behavior

 I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
-- Steven Wright

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
-- Steven Wright

 I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving.
-- Steven Wright

 Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
-- Steven Wright

 Sometimes I... No, I don't.
-- Steven Wright

 I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger.
-- Steven Wright

 I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

 Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
-- Steven Wright

 I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

 I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

 This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
-- Steven Wright

 (Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
-- Steven Wright

 I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
-- Steven Wright

 Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
-- Steven Wright

 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Steven Wright

 I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

 Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
-- Steven Wright

 I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
-- Steven Wright

 My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
-- Steven Wright

 I washed mud, off of mud.
-- Steven Wright

 I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.
-- Steven Wright

 I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
-- Steven Wright

 I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
-- Steven Wright

 One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
-- Steven Wright

 Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
-- Steven Wright

 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
-- Steven Wright

 Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
-- Steven Wright

 I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
-- Steven Wright

 I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
-- Steven Wright

 I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
-- Steven Wright

 I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright

 For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow glance upward.)
-- Steven Wright

 I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside.
-- Steven Wright

 I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
-- Steven Wright

 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
-- Steven Wright

 I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds AMAZING.
-- Steven Wright

 My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
-- Steven Wright

 My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
-- Steven Wright

 One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
-- Steven Wright

 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.
-- Steven Wright

 In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
-- Steven Wright

 Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."
-- Steven Wright

 I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
-- Steven Wright

 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
-- Steven Wright

 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
-- Steven Wright

 Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
-- Steven Wright

 I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Arrgghhhh!!!..."
-- Steven Wright

 I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
-- Steven Wright

 I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
-- Steven Wright

 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
-- Steven Wright

 I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
-- Steven Wright

 I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright

 There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
-- Steven Wright

 I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
-- Steven Wright

 I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-- Steven Wright

 My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
-- Steven Wright

 When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
-- Steven Wright

 My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
-- Steven Wright

 I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
-- Steven Wright

 I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-- Steven Wright

 I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
-- Steven Wright

 I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.
-- Steven Wright

 I spilled Spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
-- Steven Wright

 Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while 'I' was a suspect.
-- Steven Wright

 My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
-- Steven Wright

 I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
-- Steven Wright

 My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
-- Steven Wright

 I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
-- Steven Wright