The Comedian Steven Wright

Wright Livelihood

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
-- Steven Wright

 I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
-- Steven Wright

 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Steven Wright

 There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
-- Steven Wright

 I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
-- Steven Wright

 I went around my house and turned on all the lights. Then I put mirrors around all the light bulbs. Now the electric company sends me a check each month.
-- Steven Wright

 How young can you die of old age?
-- Steven Wright

 

Wright Effort

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-- Steven Wright

 Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

 Factorials are someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
-- Steven Wright

 My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
-- Steven Wright

 I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.
-- Steven Wright

 (Said with a very dull voice:) I'm so hyper....
-- Steven Wright

 At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

 I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
-- Steven Wright

 Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
-- Steven Wright

 When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Steven Wright

 I can levitate birds. No one cares.
-- Steven Wright

 (Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
-- Steven Wright

 

Wright Mindfulness

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
-- Steven Wright

 "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."
-- Steven Wright

 I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
-- Steven Wright

 Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
-- Steven Wright

 I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify ________". I wrote the word  "Doctor"... What's my MOTHER going to do?
-- Steven Wright

 It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
-- Steven Wright

 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright

 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright

 There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright

 The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

 Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
-- Steven Wright

 I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

 

Wright Absorption

 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

 I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
-- Steven Wright

 I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
-- Steven Wright

 Today I... No, that wasn't me.
-- Steven Wright

 A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright