The Comedian Steven Wright

Wright Speech

   My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
-- Steven Wright

 "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
-- Steven Wright

 I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
-- Steven Wright

 When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
-- Steven Wright

 Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
-- Steven Wright

 I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
-- Steven Wright

 I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
-- Steven Wright

 I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
-- Steven Wright

 I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- Steven Wright

 I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
-- Steven Wright

 When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
-- Steven Wright

 I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
-- Steven Wright

 A metaphor is like a simile.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke

 If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
-- Steven Wright